


Dear Cecy

by sareliz



Category: Kate and Cecelia - Caroline Stevermer & Patricia Wrede
Genre: Epistolary, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-02
Updated: 2017-02-02
Packaged: 2018-09-21 14:52:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9553514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sareliz/pseuds/sareliz
Summary: Kate and Thomas live in the same house for several weeks before their marriage, chaperoned only by Lady Sylvia. And we all know how much milady respects convention... Meanwhile, back in the country, Cecy is being her indomitable self.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [linusmir](https://archiveofourown.org/users/linusmir/gifts).



> I really think that this could be the mature/explicit ending to the novel. If only it had been written for the over 18 set... Oh, well. Enjoy!
> 
> (Also, this is written for my husband, LinusMir, who is both sweet and wonderful, and also my beta in all things, not just writing. Because he's like that.)

_ 18 July 1817 _

_ Schofield House, London _

_ Dear Cecy, _

 

_ I will, in all likelihood, never send this letter. I shall probably burn it as soon as I am done writing it, or else find some ingenious hiding spot in which neither servant nor family member will ever think to look. _

_ No, certainly, I shall burn it. _

_ Why write at all, then? I hear you asking. Why, indeed. Because there is no mortal soul with whom I may share what I so desperately need to unburden from my soul. Not even Thomas may know my feelings on the matter, for while he is the nearest to being privy to the information, I fear such knowledge would only cause him to pick up the much-hated pet name ‘half-wit’ and bandy it about once more. No, Thomas will not know this, either. _

_ Cecy, I am being seduced. By my fiance. It is wrong, entirely wrong, and I know it, and yet I cannot resist the temptation that is posed me. I know, for Aunt Charlotte has been quite clear, about the duty of a wife to her husband in the bed chamber. I know that it is dreadful, often painful, usually humiliating, and yet necessary for the procreation of children, and for the satiating of the carnal desire that it is man’s cross to bear, and that if I do not do my duty, it will be entirely my fault that my future husband seeks satisfaction somewhere else and exposes us to ridicule and ruin. _

_ Aunt Charlotte failed to mention, however, the profound temptation that is posed even to the fairer sex of what I must imagine is all acts preceding the vile occurrences of the bed chamber. She was clear, of course, concerning the vileness. She was not entirely clear about the mechanics. She mentioned some mysterious masculine member that is entirely the territory of the overpowering male, and then when placed within the secret cavity it produces pleasure for the man and children for the woman. _

_ When questioned about this ‘secret cavity’, Aunt Charlotte was not entirely obtuse. She at least did admit it was the same location that bleeds with the moon. But Cecy, it does more than just bleed. _

_ But I am ahead of myself. I must lay it all out, in order, just as if I were truly telling you this story.  _

_ I have already told you of the farago I made of my last moments under Aunt Charlotte’s roof. I shudder to consider what I said to her, and that I shall have to see her again, at least at the wedding in three weeks, to say nothing of the rest of our lives. Still, Thomas came to take me driving in St. James’ Park, and indeed, we did do just that, but he did not return me to our Berkeley Square Residence (of Horace Walpole fame). Rather, we journeyed on to Schofield House, my new home in London, where the formidable and welcoming Lady Sylvia was in residence to chaperone me. Thomas sent a footman for my trunks. And it’s true, Lady Sylvia was more than willing to take me to finish the great number of purchases that apparently must be made when one is very nearly married, even in so hurried a way as we are managing it.  _

_ But all of that is neither here nor there. I am not constantly with Thomas - I could not be even if I wished it. The Temptation, however, and do note that it deserves all of the capital letters it can be reasonably granted, began in that carriage ride. _

_ His eyes have a way of looking right through me, even in the briefest of glances. Even in so public a place as St. James, even without touching so much as a stray hair, his looks remind me of times he  has embraced me, times that I never even noticed how his presence affected me. _

_ The Vauxhall Beech Tree Incident is one moment that stands out quite starkly in my memory. You will not credit it, but I find myself considering that moment, and while I could do no better than I did at the time and do not at all look askance at my behavior, I find myself wondering how I might react now if I found him behind me, his arms wrapped firmly about my torso, his lips at my ear, his hands clutching mine. _

_ I tell you, Cecy, I would act differently now. Oh, how wanton are my thoughts! I cannot bear it. Indeed, I cannot bear it alone, and so I write these missives that must necessarily be destroyed. I am sure if they are not, and too many are gathered together, lightning would strike and they and a great deal of other things would be destroyed altogether. _

_ But no, I must focus! The carriage. I shall now tell you about the incident in the carriage. The time in which we set out was not the height of fashion and thus the traffic was much diminished and while the streets were as busy as they ever are, the park itself was not overset with people wishing to see and be seen. While our initial conversation, in the roadway, was not much to tell of, at least, not after the cut direct that I had so recently dealt Aunt Charlotte, one of the things Thomas was quite clear about was my questions, as it had come to his attention that if he had deigned to answer my questions a good bit earlier, we might have avoided a great deal of the drama to which we were subject. And while that may not make for good opera, it certainly makes for smoother life. And so, Thomas bade me promise that henceforth I would be as clear, direct, and prompt with my questions as convention and reasonably polite behavior would allow, and he would consequently be as clear, direct, and prompt with satisfactory answers as he was able. _

_ And so I asked the question that was on my mind. _

_ “Please understand that I have no particular wish to delay, and certainly no wish to be under the thumb of Aunt Charlotte for one more moment, but I do have a question concerning your desire for such a hasty marriage. Is it not more seemly for several months, perhaps even six to elapse before such nuptials take place? Will not others consider that you are being made to marry me due to a breach in my honor? I know you do not care for such things Thomas, and that it all goes under as fodder for your mysterious reputation, but I would like to know that there is a reason beyond the one the gossips will bandy, and a better one than merely living up to your reputation as the Mysterious Marquis.” _

_ Cecy, he gave me that look. I am not entirely sure what is in that gaze, but it shortens my breath and brings heat to my cheeks in a way that I have not yet decided whether I like. _

_ “You truly cannot fathom why I would wish to marry you quickly, Kate? For I assure you it has nothing at all to do with my reputation, and yours remains blameless - a miraculous feat, given the number of times someone or other has tried to kill you in the past months.” _

_ If he had not been so obviously earnest, I would certainly have had the urge to box his ears. For why should I go through such pains to ask such a delicate question if I did not ardently wish to know the answer? And of a man who has just promised me such answers! He is as infuriating as he is alluring, oftimes. _

_ I resisted the very real urge to roll my eyes. Aunt Charlotte says it is most unbecoming, and I must own, I do agree with her, even if she is wrong about most everything else. _

_ “Thomas, you will learn sooner or you will learn later that I do not ask questions to which I already know the answers. I would be very pleased, indeed, if you should choose to learn it sooner.” And that, I own, was the most forward I have ever been with him. As he smiled and threw his head back in laughter, it seems to be a degree of familiarity that will be much appreciated in our future life together. Indeed, I have not yet found the boundary on this subject of familiarity, but of course, that is the general subject of this letter. I believe that my boundaries are far stricter than Thomas’s ever could be. So, perhaps I need not worry. _

_ “Well, then, my darling blossom, I desire a quick marriage because I cannot be expected to spend long in your company without being overwhelmed by the desire to worship you, body, mind, and soul. And I would rather get on with that, wouldn’t you?” _

_ “Oh,” was all I could manage to say. I wasn’t entirely certain what he meant, and it did seem to be rather a different practice than anything Aunt Charlotte was familiar with, but perhaps from a man’s perspective it is that pleasant? But no, it could not be, for his words seemed to imply that there would be enjoyment on my part, as well, and that cannot plainly be true. _

_ “Darling Kate, I wish the utter truth from you, and no bouncers. Did you understand what I just referenced?” _

_ “No.” I felt it best left at that. _

_ “I see.” He was quiet for a moment, though the world around us was loud enough. “Tell me truthfully, Kate. Do you enjoy dancing with me? Waltzing in particular?” _

_ “Oh, yes, when your not being odious, I mean.” _

_ “And do you enjoy my kisses?” he asked, giving me a sidelong glance that was That Look. _

_ “Yes,” I responded, though I had seemed to lose my breath between this answer and the last. “How could I not?” _

_ A smile, combined with That Look, and I almost felt weak at the knees. “And how do my kisses make you feel?” _

_ “Happy. Ecstatically happy. Cherished. Safe. But also, somehow, like I’m flying.” _

_ “So they are, in fact, pleasant, yes?” _

_ “Yes,” I affirmed, with feeling. _

_ “Pleasurable, even?” _

_ “Yes,” I admitted boldly, though I was blushing furiously. _

_ “My kisses bring you pleasure. And your kisses bring me pleasure. And there is deeper, broader, even more intense pleasure that we can bring each other, step by step, like ascending a grand staircase.” _

_ “And kisses are the first step?” I asked, finally feeling like I had a grip on what he was referencing. _

_ “No, my sweet. A look is the first step. A simple touch of your gloved hand in mine, the second. The way your sweet lips say my name, the third.” _

_ “And the fourth?” I asked, feeling much like a snake must, when being charmed up out of its basket. _

_ “Dancing with you when you’re too preoccupied to feel nervous, when you float in my arms.” _

_ “And the fifth?” I was breathless, Cecy. Something inside of me clenched, and I knew not what it was. _

_ “Kissing you. Feeling the press of your lips on mine, the silken softness of your tongue against mine. Hearing you moan my name. God, Kate, if you only knew what the sound of you moaning my name does to me.” _

_ Boldness took me, then, for I have no other explanation of my actions. _

_ “Thomas,” I said, softly moaning his name in the most natural way in the world. “Tell me what it feels like when I moan your name.” _

_ He groaned a little then, as if in pain, but he was clearly not in pain. “I feel like my blood is on fire, Kate. Every thought circles around you, and I feel like I could die if I don’t get to touch you, skin on skin. To hold you close to me, to pull each of those ridiculous pins out of your hair and watch it tumble down over your shoulders. To take off your beautiful gown and kiss every inch of you. Kate, oh, Kate. There are places on your body that if I kiss, if I lick, if I suck, it will bring you even greater pleasure then when I kiss your lips. And I dearly wish to discover each and every one of those places.” _

_ I might have been gasping, and certainly I was being very quiet about it, but I do believe I had been repeating little exclamations of ‘Oh!’ over and over again. _

_ “Kate, I long to hear the beautiful sounds you make when you receive pleasure and your mouth is not otherwise occupied. Your gasps. Your moans. I long to bring you such pleasure that you can do naught but gasp my name over and over again. I long to bring you to the utter peak of physical pleasure that the body can bear and when you fling yourself off that peak, I will be there to catch you.” _

_ “Oh!” _

_ “And you can offer me just such pleasure. Slowly, gently, learning my body as I learn yours.” _

_ “Kissing, licking, and sucking?” I asked. _

_ “God, yes. And that is why I am overwhelmed when I hear you moan my name. Because I can almost feel your lips at my neck, your soft body bare against mine. I yearn to find complete satisfaction with you, and to offer it to you over and over again.” _

_ I feel certain that Aunt Charlotte would not approve of such a conversation topic, and yet it did not at all seem like what happens between husband and wife in the bed chamber. Still, I answered Thomas truthfully. _

_ “And now, so do I,” I admitted to him. _

_ Thomas closed his eyes tightly for but a moment and then took several deep breaths. “Will you come to me, Kate? Will you? In my study, this afternoon? It’s the second room on the right, after the Drawing Room on the ground floor. My mother will keep you but a small amount of time, particularly if you point out that you wish to take some rest after such a trying interview with your Aunt. I’ll send for your clothes and your maid, but only tell me you’ll come to me as soon as you can.” _

_ “I will,” I promised, knowing in all likelihood that I should not do this thing, and yet how could I not? How any woman could refuse such a man in such a situation, I cannot fathom. I certainly wasn’t able to do so. _

_ “Three weeks is an eternity, Kate. I may not make it.” _

_ I had to laugh. “What is three weeks of freedom? Three weeks of doing what you please?” I could not help but to think of the frequent and righteous fury with which Aunt Charlotte has locked me in my room this past season. As you well know, it was more than once, and never had I merited such a reaction. Then again, I have in years past also gotten away with a good deal that never went punished. And that, you know as well. Thomas, however, was not privy to any of this just yet, though I suppose I shall mention it at some point. _

_ He groaned. “Except that each night I shall return to my bedchamber, and not yours, to sleep in the cold sheets alone, rather than curled around you. And if I am wakeful, they will be frustrated, endless hours of nothingness, rather than hours filled with hot skin, passionate kisses, and more pleasure than any one man has a right to claim. Which is what every fiber of my being yearns for, even now, in this landau. God, Kate, how I wish we were in a country lane. There, at least, I could kiss you without setting all the gossips of London aflame.” _

_ “You wish to kiss me, now?” I asked, realizing with the asking that I wished for no less. _

_ He turned the full force of The Look on me and answered simply, but fervently, “Yes.” _

_ “And if we were in that country lane, would you just kiss my lips?” _

_ “No,” he said, with the same intensity as before. If this is what playing with fire is like, you can well expect me to live a life aflame. _

_ “What else would you do?” _

_ “I would take off my gloves, and I would touch you. I would touch your face, your neck. I would slide your dress off your shoulders--” at this, I admit I gasped. “--and touch your arms, and your chest, and your back, the beautiful roundness of your breasts. I would test the softness of your skin with my fingertips, and then again with my lips, and Kate, I would find those places on your body which you may not even know are centers of pleasure.” _

_ “And, is this what you’ll do in your study, later?” _

_ He groaned again, and I own I like it very much. “If God is merciful and I am still lost in lust for you, yes, very likely.” _

_ I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Is there some reason you might not be, as you say, lost in lust?” _

_ “Your questions may be the end of me, Kate.” _

_ “And you promised to answer them, regardless.” _

_ “Well, I could take matters in hand while you are in with my mother.” _

_ I gave him a look which I believe conveyed my confusion. _

_ “There is a way men have of…” And here Thomas began to blush, which was an event I never considered possible. “Achieving a minor sort of peak of pleasure. It is nice enough, but nothing even to kissing you and hearing you discuss what you’d like to do to me. It would, however, bank the fire in my blood, however temporarily.” _

_ “Don’t do it,” I heard myself say. _

_ “Pardon me?” Thomas asked, looking at me, incredulity plainly written on his face. _

_ “I have no way of placating the ache inside of me that your words, and even the memory of last night’s kisses have provoked. Indeed, I could barely sleep last night for the memory of them, and the fervent desire to still be there in the street, dancing and kissing and hearing you say that you loved me. Why should you get to bank the fires in your veins when I am left with this ache that nothing soothes?” _

_ “Oh, Kate,” he said, and then repeated it again. “Oh, Kate. Last night sleep eluded me, as well. And I took to that way that men have, and I imagined it was your hands upon my flesh, rather than mine. It was a sorry substitute, I know that even now, but I came to that final place of complete pleasure and utter emptiness crying your name into the empty chill of my bed chamber.” _

_ “Oh.” _

_ “And if Mother sets you up now in the room you shall have in three weeks time, the room with a communicating door to my own bed chamber, Kate, you must throw the lock.” _

_ “But I don’t wish to, Thomas. Truly, I don’t.” _

_ We were nearly back to Schofield House by this point, Thomas not wishing our drive in St. James to be over long, today. The rest of the short drive was in silence, and though I feared that I had somehow gone too far, I could not bring myself to repent of my words, nor of my intentions. _

_ “Thomas?” I asked tentatively, as he handed me down from the carriage. Had I said too much, after all? _

_ A footman was coming out of the house even now, to take the horses around to the grooms, and Thomas was silent as he tucked my hand in the crook of his arm. We mounted the steps up to the house in silence and as we crossed the threshold he leaned down and murmured in my ear. _

_ “Welcome home, my darling. Don’t forget to meet me in my study as soon as you can, or the fire may consume me entirely before dinner.” _

_ All fear vanished, and the ache returned with a vengeance. _

_ And that, my darling Cecy, was the Incident in the Carriage. _

_ Dinner has come and gone and I will plainly tell you as I sit alone in my bed chamber with naught but a few candles, my night shift, and this letter to console me, that I am in the room that communicates directly with Thomas and that nothing at all is likely to happen this evening. Not for lack of wanting, however. _

_ An express came just before we went into dinner - I am getting ahead of myself. I haven’t even told you what happened in the study! But I might as well continue in this line, as there isn’t much to tell. Just as Thomas was set to escort me into dinner for the very first time, an express came from the Royal College of Wizards. Would Thomas come immediately? Questions of a most important nature had arisen in the statement he’d apparently given early this morning in the matter of Mrs. Thoroughly Evil and Sir Ever So Much Worse.  _

_ I endeavored to hide my disappointment, but I don’t think I was entirely successful. _

_ He ordered the carriage be made ready and walked me into dinner all the same. After I was seated at the small dining table, to the left of his seat and a few spaces away from Lady Sylvia on the other end, he took my hand in his and his eyes seem to say much more than they perhaps ought to have done. _

_ “I may be some time,” he said gently to me. “Do not wait up for me. Sleep well, and I shall see you when you awake on the morrow.” _

_ I wish I could have had just a moment of privacy, just one moment. I would have told him that I should gladly wait for any length of time, if only he would end the night in my arms, and quench the fire in his veins and the ache in my depths all at the same time. I would wait. I would wait until the sun rose in the east. _

_ I did not have such a moment, however, and he was gone before the servants brought the soup in. Lady Sylvia is a delightful and calm companion, and we made light conversation concerning my wardrobe (only the utter necessities in London, as we will be going straight away to Paris and the fashions are always better there) my lack of maid (again, to be acquired in Paris, and would I mind terribly doing with one of Lady Sylvia’s maids until then?), and such entertainments as I would like to engage in while we are still resident in London (a no to cards, but a fervent yes to opera!). And so we passed a quiet evening. I begged off directly after dinner. To be perfectly honest, Cecy, I do not think I would have been able to be quite good company. I usually take shocks very well indeed, but I did face my death yesterday, and I told a bouncer to the Prince, and my engagement to Thomas was made real, and I finally said all of the things (and all at once) to Aunt Charlotte that I have been holding in for years, and then ran away from home and into the waiting arms of my soon to be mama-at-law. Oh, and I may burst from the longing inside of me to do something that is, apparently, vile, horrific, and scarring. Or something. I’m still not clear on the details. Thomas, also, was not exactly clear about the mechanics of the process. I suppose I shall find out sooner or later, but it does strike me that there is perhaps more opportunity than normal for me to be clumsy and make a perfect cake of myself. Still, it will occur while alone with Thomas and he is unusually kind about such things. _

_ And so here I sit, alone in my room, still writing this letter that threatens to become a novel if I do not take great care. I do not imagine I will hear him come in, even if I do wake. The walls here are very thick indeed. I would leave the door open between our rooms, but if he should chance not notice and leave it for the servants to find in the morning, well, that would not do, either. _

_ No, I shall do as he asks tonight, and though it is entirely likely that Lady Sylvia and I shall spend the entirety of tomorrow shopping, there is always tomorrow evening. I might possibly be able to cry off again an evening’s entertainments after dinner, and I’m sure Thomas has any number of perfectly reasonable things he does in the evening, rather than be personable and hospitable to his mother, who must at least know her son that far. I imagine we can both manage to call the night finished early enough so that we don’t die of combined frustration. Possibly. Maybe, if Lady Sylvia is feeling particularly credulous. _

_ No, I shan't think on the possibilities. Instead, I shall relate to you the events that occurred in Thomas’ study earlier today. _

_ I have never been in a proper wizard’s study before, and so you may be sure that I was reasonably curious. It was not what I had imagined - and now I blush to consider what I thought it would be like. A full skeleton in the corner, a case of preserved magical creatures, perhaps? At least I was right about the books. Thomas does have a great deal of books. There is a small desk and several comfortable chairs around the fire, good for reading or discussion, but there is also a wide open space, bare of carpet or furniture of any kind. There are also some wider, deeper shelves full of crates of what I do not know and dare not imagine. What sort of items would a fully trained wizard need on hand at short notice? Candles and salt, I suppose? A variety of dried herbs, perhaps? Who knows? Certainly not his focus, as he has yet to recreate one. _

_ Without knocking, and hoping that the door would simply be open, as I was expected, I slipped inside. It was obviously Thomas’ study, though Thomas was not inside of it. I knew he must not be far away, for I could not imagine him leaving it unlocked as a matter of course. _

_ It was as I was curiously peeking into a crate of white candles that I heard the door open. I took a step away, and into the arcane center, with its bare floor ready for a new spell to be cast, that he came in and shut and locked the door behind him. He left the key in the lock, however. _

_ I felt so odd - like I was with you, having adventures, venturing into locked rooms and wizard’s studies. And yet, of course, you are in Essex and the man of the house was the one with whom I was having locked room adventures. And of course, this was soon to be my house. One of my houses. It felt illicit and approved, all at once. Which is strange and makes no sense, so I shall simply continue in my tale. _

_ “If I had conjured you here myself, you could not be more perfectly beautiful, Kate.” _

_ Thomas is not one to make free with the compliments, and so I soaked it in, as a grassy meadow does a summer’s rain. _

_ “My darling,” he said, and then rushed to me, taking me in his arms and kissing me with such passion I thought I should burst. I could feel him searching for my hairpins, his fingers strong on my scalp as he found them all and pocketed them. My hair fell down about my shoulders in a dreadful tumble of waves and curls that defied taming, but he groaned into them, burying his face in my neck and for the first time since I was a child, I loved my hair. _

_ “I’ll never be able to right it without a comb,” I felt the need to mention. _

_ Thomas groaned again. “Don’t worry about it. I promise to get you back to your room without anyone noticing you in the slightest.” _

_ “Will you use magic?” I asked, amused just the tiniest bit at the level to which Thomas was apparently enjoying this minor state of dishabille I had entered into. _

_ “Yes,” he groaned. Eventually he added, “Don’t you have a desperate ache you’re meant to be attending to?” _

_ “It does not involve my hair,” I ventured. _

_ “You don’t know what you’re missing,” he said, and I admit that I did laugh. _

_ But he did move on, and it was all just as he said in the carriage, Cecy, all that and more. He touched my neck and unbuttoned the top several buttons of my gown so that it could be pushed down over my shoulders. The gown hung there, just barely still covering my breasts, though in truth it was well fitted and could not fall too far with so few buttons undone. Still, I felt deliciously and decadently exposed. Lips followed fingers. Licking followed kissing, and then biting and sucking! _

_ Did you know that if you suck overlong on skin you can leave a red mark that can last for days? Thomas was ever-so-careful not to leave one on me, but gave me leave to mark him as frequently as I wished. Still, I was mindful of what areas of the neck show above his cravat. But I am getting ahead of myself yet again. _

_ We stood there, in the center of his casting space and wove an entirely different sort of spell around each other. For the longest time I stood there gasping as he worked magic on my skin and magic it was, for I could feel his lips, his teeth, his hot breath, and his tongue not just in the area in which they were confined, but all over my body. I could feel it in my fingers, in my toes, at the base of my spine, and somewhere deep within that has no proper name - or if it does, I do not know it. I shiver now, remembering it. Well, I shiver, and of course that delicious ache begins again. _

_ Do you know whereof I speak? Oh! I wish we could just plainly talk of these things, rather than keep them shrouded in such secrecy. But then again, I suppose I am a coward - instead of sending you this letter, which I never truly intended to do, I shall in all likelihood still burn it. And what does that say of me, who wishes we could simply speak, plainly, if privately, about such things?  _

_ Coward. It says it plainly.  _

_ For if, and I am beginning to suspect it deeply, Thomas and Aunt Charlotte are actually talking about the same thing, then Cecy, by being silent, are we not doing a great disservice to others? And Aunt Charlotte herself - how is it she could come to be so very misinformed? I shall save this question for Thomas. I feel that his remark would be both humorous and illuminating. But I shall save it until such time as I am certain, absolutely certain that they were indeed speaking of the same event. _

_ But for now, let us return to this afternoon in Thomas’ study, for indeed, I wish I was still there. _

_ Thomas’ cravat hung loose about his neck and his shirt buttons were open down to the fourth. His coat was still on, but unbuttoned, and his waistcoat remained secure. For my part, the top several buttons on the back of my dress were undone, the bit of lace just below my throat was on the floor, my hairpins were in his pocket and my hair was down and all over everywhere, apparently to his liking. My stays were all still secure, of course, but my gown gaped down and Thomas had pulled my breasts out from within the confines of the chemise, above the corset. My breath came in heaving pants which made my loosed breasts quite farcical, I thought, but Thomas was in raptures concerning them.  _

_ He pulled me over to one of those comfortable looking chairs by the fireplace, sat down, and then pulled me after him until I perched on his knee, slightly confused. _

_ “No, no,” he said, and then pulled me back so that I was turned slightly. It was not until I had my legs over the arm of his chair and was leaning back slightly, with my rump pulled up tight against him that he was satisfied. It was not the most comfortable position, due to the corset, but then again, neither is riding a horse, and I do that with some regularity. I naturally did not attain this position with any amount of grace or agility, but Thomas and I were both laughing by the time I had managed it all. _

_ Then all laughter was gone, Cecy, because his mouth was on the peak of my breast where I am told only babes are meant to suckle. Thomas was no babe in arms, and his suckling made me feel not at all maternal. I gasped and groaned and clutched his head to my body. I wanted him, even though I seemed to have him well enough, and I began to chant his name as if it were some arcane invocation. What was meant to appear or disappear or transform or transmute, I do not know. I reached for what I do not know. _

_ The frustration! There is so much I do not know, and while Aunt Charlotte spouts dire warnings and Thomas caresses with seductive poetry, neither one of them come to the point of the matter. What is it we are building towards? Why is it bad, or sometimes tragic? Or why is it only sometimes good and lovely? Such roundaboutation may be all well and good for children, and the simple, but I am neither one, Cecy. _

_ You know, perhaps I will send you this letter after all, if I have the nerve for it. But it will never do, unless I actually finish the story I am meant to be telling. Let me do so at once so you will not think me a hopeless scatter wit. _

_ Perched on Thomas’ lap, reaching for something unknown and unseen as he worked at my breast like a man dying of thirst, clutching my body close to his. One of my arms, the one closest to his, was rendered immobile in his embrace, but the other arm was capable of a fine range of motion and I used it, plunging my fingers into his thick shock of hair, mussing it terribly. He groaned and moaned like some oddly seductive beast, there, at my breast, holding me through the strangest moment of my life. Overcome with sensation, I felt as if I might faint, perhaps, though I never have before. I shivered and shook and bit my lip to keep from making too loud of a noise. It would not do to send the servants rushing to our aid, not at this point. And when it was over and through, I felt exhausted, though I had done nothing at all, and the ache within me had abated. _

_ I lay - as much as anyone could, in a corset - on Thomas’ lap, panting. Once I had my regular breath back, Thomas kissed me, a kiss full of longing and need and something I do not yet have a name for. And I realized that though I was sated (at least for the moment and how long, I wondered, would it last?) Thomas was nothing like. _

_ “You beautiful man. You have done for me, though I don’t understand it, I know that the ache has passed. But I have not done for you. Tell me what I must do.” _

_ He did not respond. Instead of something useful, like words, his head lolled back, he closed his eyes, and groaned. I waited. _

_ “I should not. I must not.” _

_ I was confused. Whatever it was he should not do, I knew it had to do with my demand, because what else could he possibly be referring to? And yet, what is it I could do to him, or for him, that would be bad? It wasn’t as if I’d asked to hurt him. I’d asked to bring him joy and relief. _

_ “You should, and you must, and if you would right now, I’d be very much obliged,” I pointed out. _

_ “Kate,” he groaned. “I am trying to ensure you leave this room with your honor intact.” _

_ “Why?” I asked. It wasn’t as if we weren’t getting married as soon as possible. His intentions could not be more honorable, I thought. _

_ After a moment more of mild groans on his part, Thomas told me what to do. _

_ I slid off his lap and knelt at his feet, bringing out a handkerchief as he quickly unbuttoned the fall of his breeches, all the while he spoke to me, swiftly and softly. _

_ “You know that men and women are built differently, don’t you? Women are able to bear children, and so have a cavity within them that men do not have. Consequently, men have an apparatus that women do not have. Often it is dormant, only with fire in my veins it is anything but.” _

_ “May I see it?” _

_ “Yes,” Thomas said with feeling, and he pulled out the oddest piece on the human body! It was tall and thick like a sapling with a blunted end, and he said it was quite sensitive. _

_ “Like my breasts?”I asked. _

_ “Indeed.” _

_ “And may I kiss and suck on it--” I was going to continue speaking, reminding him that he had done the same thing to my breasts and it seemed only fair that I get a chance to try, too. I did not have an opportunity to try and convince him, however. He was already decided, and in my favor. Quite violently in my favor, come to think of it. _

_ As I kissed and licked along its long length, I was surprised to discover that it was quite hot to the touch, and rather bouncy. It was hard as a tree, but with the softest skin. I had to hold it with one hand, and as Thomas said it was so sensitive, I tried to have the lightest touch that I could. _

_ “Is it best to suck on the end, just like on my breast?” I asked quietly, still fascinated by this apparatus that Thomas had and I didn’t. _

_ “Yes,” Thomas said tightly. I do not think he was angry, though. I think he might have been just a trifle overwhelmed. I am rather proud that my innocent fumblings and modest questions played a part in that overwhelmment. _

_ And so I did. _

_ Thomas’ litany was similar to mine. “Oh, God, Kate!” was his variation. _

_ The taste of this portion of his skin was not notably different from other portions of his skin, and though the smell was stronger, it was much in the way of what I have discovered Thomas smells like - not an off-putting smell, in the least. _

_ I sucked him a little way into my mouth, and then a little way more. _

_ “Don’t inconvenience yourself,” he choked out, as if I would do something I didn’t like. Then I had a thought. _

_ I stopped and removed him from my mouth, holding him steady in my hands. _

_ “I’m not doing it right, am I?” I asked. _

_ Thomas gasped. “You’re amazing. Wonderful. Brilliant. Why did you stop? You don’t have to stop. At least, not until I say, and in that case, you must stop immediately.” _

_ “Oh, alright,” I said, and applied myself to the task once more. It was interesting, and indeed wonderful to elicit such responses from my otherwise sanguine beloved. I do not think I quite enjoyed it the way Thomas did my breast, but I did quite enjoy the effect it had on him, and his apparatus is frankly fascinating, and I would like to know a good deal more about it than I do. _

_ At some point Thomas gently wrapped my hands around the length of it, and while I was sucking on the end, he placed one hand firmly at the base and moved the other rhythmically up and down the length, never letting go (the skin is quite extraordinarily mobile) and squeezing a bit as I went. _

_ All too soon my explorations in natural philosophy came to an abrupt halt. Thomas bade me stop and I watched as he took my handkerchief up and put it to a purpose. _

_ All while looking me in the eye, he wrapped one of his hands around the long shaft of it and pumped as if his life depended up on it, so intense was his look. And with his other hand, Cecy, he held the handkerchief loosely over the end I was sucking on. And then he convulsed as if he were dying! The way he was whispering my name, so urgently, made me think that there was something I was supposed to do, but I did not in the least know what it should be. I waited with baited breath, my hands on his thighs, and watched him convulse five times, with such a look on his face, somehow both of wonder and horror and something else entirely. _

_ Finished, he slumped back in his chair. There was some sort of small mess he had made that he was determined to be most fastidious in cleaning with the handkerchief, but I could not get a glimpse of it. He tucked himself away and pulled me back up and on his lap. I curled up differently this time, and not for the first time wished away my corset. But then all my dresses would look quite strange on me. _

_ “I have so many questions,” I pointed out. _

_ “Do any of them have to do with our personal safety?” _

_ “No, not one,” I replied. _

_ “Then they can all wait a bit.” _

_ After some long time of quiet, he asked me a question. “So, where did Mother put you? What room are you in?” _

_ “Quite a large blue room that overlooks the square. There were several doors leading out of it, but I did not investigate them all, for I was too eager to get back to you.” _

_ “Ah. Yes, that is the twin to mine. I cannot fathom what she must be thinking. She is either out of her mind, and imagining I have immense self-control, and I cannot think she believes that of me, or she has given her tacit permission, so long as we are discreet.” _

_ “Oh, my!” Honestly, looking at Lady Sylvia, I would not have imagined either one of her. _

_ “Indeed. My mother has very little time for convention that she does not find convenient. And she finds very little convention convenient. _

_ “Then you will come to me, tonight?” I asked, wondering what it would entail, as we had explored relatively little of each other’s bodies, thus far. _

_ “I should not.” _

_ “I want you to.” _

_ “I should not,” he said, quieter this time. _

_ “You would have me lie awake, aching for you? Wondering what it would be like to feel your lips on my back? On my fingertips? Perhaps I shall have to see if there is a way a woman can make the ache go away on her own, just as a man can. Perhaps if I touch myself just as boldly as you have, I can find it without further direction,” I posited. And really, I’m sure there is. And now that I am sure of it, I have only the frustration of having to figure it out on my own, as if it were some sort of difficult math exercise and the tutor was out of the room, waiting to see if we could discover the true answer. _

_ He gave me That Look and I stared back defiantly into his eyes. _

_ “I should not,” he repeated, with a much different tone, “I should not, and yet now I want nothing more than to take you on that hearth rug.” I glanced over at it while he kept speaking. He continued, a whisper in my ear, now. “Savagely, wantonly, tearing through your maidenhead and wearing the blood on my cock as a proud symbol that you are mine and no one else’s. My desires are strong, Kate, and you play with fire when you tempt me so.” _

_ I looked back at him. “My desires are also strong,” I pointed out. “I am just not much used to indulging them. Self-control is not only the realm of men, you know. You have awoken something in me, something that I wish to explore with you and you alone, and to be perfectly frank, that hearth rug looks more than comfortable.” _

_ “Up!” he demanded, and I scrambled up as gracefully as I could. You know me too well, Cecy, to imagine there was much grace at all. I did not trip over my own feet, however, and I am thankful for that. But ever hopeful of getting what I wanted, as I finally seem to be getting what I want in general, I moved over to the hearth rug and sat down right in the middle of it. In a flash he was on top of me, pulling my legs out in front of me and deftly rearranging us so that (if you can credit it, and if you’ve done so up until now, I don’t know why you would stop at this) he knelt between my legs. My ankles were fully exposed, and his fingers on them felt like heaven itself must feel. Then both of his hands ranged up at the same time, pushing my skirts up higher and higher. _

_ I was gasping and moaning and wondering when it would stop, for I kept thinking to myself, certainly he will stop here! But he did not, not until every stitch of my under things were utterly exposed. He made deft work  of those, too, until my very skin lay bare before him, and then he touched me  more . _

_ That secret cleft - oh, it must have a name! It cannot merely be called the necessary area, or the bleeding place, no! It must have a name, and it’s name must be just as glorious as it is, for it serves so many different purposes, all of them necessary, and some so shockingly pleasurable! _

_ That is where Thomas’ fingers went! _

_ That is where Thomas’ tongue went! _

_ Oh! _

_ I shudder even now remembering it. He feasted on me, Cecy. I created juices and he drank them. When he kissed me after, I could smell myself on him. It was exceedingly strange! But how could I skip past the telling of the most exquisite pleasure of my life thus far? _

_ He kissed me there. He licked me there. He sucked on me there.  _

_ The texture of his tongue on that sensitive flesh of mine is utterly indescribable, but imagine soft, wet, firm velvet that somehow feels good beyond good and you may come to the same county. _

_ And then I felt one of his fingers exploring me and pushing so deep inside of me I was afraid that he must be nearly ready to injure me! But no, never, not my Thomas. He was gentleness incarnate, despite his earlier warning, and the gentle thoroughness with which he brought me pleasure after pleasure humbles me greatly. _

_ I clutched his head to my secret, sacred spot as waves and waves of pleasure tumbled past me. In that moment I did not know myself, nor Thomas, save that we seemed to be one and the same. _

_ Afterwards he put me to rights and pulled my skirts down again and held me. I cannot be certain, but I think I must have slept! _

_ How much time passed, I have no idea, but I think it must have been some time indeed, because when I was able and aware of my surroundings once more Thomas was reminding me that it was nearly time to get dressed for dinner, and that I was to make sure to rumple my bed a bit before one of his mother’s maids came in to help me. _

_ I rolled my eyes at the instruction to rumple my bed - as if I didn’t know! And I’ve already told Thomas all about Squire Brant’s goat, too! But all the same, I gratefully submitted to one of his best spells for going unnoticed and heid myself up to my side of the master suite. _

_ And then he was called away before dinner. _

_ And now I have finished this letter to you. I don’t actually know if I will send it. It is powerfully long. If I hand it to Thomas, I must do so with a straight face, for I fear he will know exactly, just  exactly what the contents must be! Well, right up until the moment Thomas franks it and it is out of my hands, I still have an opportunity to change my mind. I could still burn it. But then, I suppose if you are reading this now, I have found my courage instead. _

_ Your loving cousin, _

_ Kate _

_ *** _

_ 18 July 1817 _

_ Schofield House, London _

 

_ Dear James, _

_ I tell you this truly, if you do not get back here I shall go mad. My fiery teacake has ripped into her admittedly beastly Aunt and so slumbers now on the other side of my communicating door. Even if you do get back here, I may still go mad. She is an utter innocent, but not for long, if I am not distracted. I nearly dispensed with said state in my study earlier today. Her utter trust in me was the last barrier and it will not do until Monday past a fortnight, when I fully plan on marrying the glorious girl, bringing all such matters into the realm of honesty. _

_ Remind me again that it is ridiculous to fetch a special license and expose her to ridicule, just to satisfy my own desires now. _

_ Yours in purgatory, _

_ Thomas _

_ *** _

_ 20 July 1817 _

_ Tarleton Hall, Essex _

 

_ Dear Thomas, _

_ You are an idiot. _

_ She is soon to be your wife. Why are your torturing yourself over this? Bring her to your room - your man is discretion personified - and carry her back to her own room at dawn. Why on earth you would make her and your own self uncomfortable with what must necessarily be a brief and ultimately unsatisfying interlude in your study rather than take to your bed with the comfort of a mattress, the luxury of the entire night, and the discretion of thick walls between you and everyone else, I cannot imagine. _

_ Had I your luck, you ungrateful cur, I would have bedded my darling girl two days ago and put us both out of our misery. She, at least, has the excitement of promised experiences in London with which to placate herself. I am left with a bottle of port and my hand, which you know full well are dreadful substitutes. _

_ Man up and claim your woman. In your place, I would do no less, and would have done a great deal more, and far sooner. I will not rescue you. Rescue yourself. _

_ Yours, _

_ James _

_ *** _

_ 22 July 1817 _

_ Schofield House, London _

 

_ Dear James, _

_ You are an ass. _

_ This does not negate the wisdom of your words, however. The deed is done and we are the better for it. While I can wholeheartedly recommend matrimonial bliss, and my evenings have become quite interesting indeed, a note of caution. The Dragon Aunt put a most horrific and twisted notion of what a couple does behind closed doors into the head of my otherwise fiery teacake. She may have done for your commendable lady as well. Tread with caution, my friend, and seduce her gently. _

_ Yours in relatively sustained bliss, _

_ Thomas _

_ *** _

_ 24 July 1817 _

_ Tarleton Hall, Essex _

 

_ Dear Thomas, _

_ I like that!  _

_ Seduce her gently, indeed. One might have given her a note of caution, instead of me. Though I have been thoroughly confident of her particular Innocence, my darling girl is generally anything but innocent. She has memorized every nook, every cranny, and every sight line of the entire countryside. She knows precisely how long we have until a chaperone would get suspicious and we are conveniently without chaperone most of the time, for you have undoubtedly heard that the lesser dragon is due to marry the excellent Wrexton - so she must be less dragonish than previously expected. All the same, that leaves my darling Cecelia to the less than perfectly watchful eye of her father, whom I had won over at the beginning of the season. _

_ What we are inconveniently without is the comfort of a mattress or the luxury of time. Still, she is an ingenious girl, strong as an ox, hearty as an oak, and as passionate as the day is long. I can now count ‘against a tree’ among the list of places I have done the deed, and I daresay between now and the next six days when we intend to join you in London, that list will have grown a fair pace. _

_ If the Dragon Aunt had gotten to my ingenious girl, it was too little and far too late, for which I give thanks to a merciful God. _

_ Still plucking bits of foliage out of my hair, _

_ James _

**Author's Note:**

> Howdy!
> 
> If you liked it, drop me a line in the reviews. I love to hear what people think of the story.
> 
> And if you really liked it, sign up on my mailing list to hear word of when I publish the _**original fiction**_ version of this story which is even more awesome and full of win that this very cool rough draft has been. (No really. It got even better, and there are less continuity errors.) You can join the mailing list [ here](https://goo.gl/forms/gkKL4qTBzDQo2mz92).
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> Thanks for reading, and stay cool!


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